Sunbeams on a Cloudy Day

Compans Cafarelli Garden (Sept 20)

I've now been in Toulouse for two weeks. People back home keep saying things like, "I bet you are just so happy to be back in France!" and "You must be having a great time seeing the sites and making friends!" I wish my "yes, of course" was completely truthful.

Being in France is like living in a worn out old house. You love the staircase handrail worn smooth by many years of holding. You hate the creak in hallway floorboard that always announces past curfew arrivals.
See, in January when I was told I would be funded to come to France for school, I lost myself for a moment, letting loose a few tears of joy. That was before 6 months of emotional ups and downs, multiple rejections, out of pocket expenditures, last minute must-haves & must-dos, and a week here of paying for expenses I didn't know existed and definitely didn't budget for. Now, I am worn out.... I am a cloudy day. No lightening, no rain, no thunder, just hesitant grey clouds now.....

I know that Toulouse is rejuvenating me. I can taste it in the sweet, perfectly ripe peaches I eat daily and the yummy organic eggs I prepare nightly. I can smell it when I'm on the metro riding between intoxicating perfumes and musky colognes or when I'm walking the bridge over the canal smelling the moss and the fish after it rains. I can hear it everywhere, all around me, all the time, new words and phrases just waiting for me to grasp.
My lunches of creamy, tart Camembert cheese and freshly baked bread, the gentle waters of the Garonne swiftly flowing by, the hilarity of ordering a 'royal cheese' (dbl cheeseburger) from a pretentious french MacDonald's, the small child on the metro telling me he's 2, someone assuring me my french is très bien, the patisserie that I drool over because the pastries are mouthwatering.....these are my sunbeams. These are the things that I can call my own, my own happy experiences in Toulouse.
The sunbeams are shining through the clouds.
-Tam in Toulouse