I'm not officially on Christmas Break just yet. I still need to go to Le Mirail tomorrow to try to change the class meeting times for two courses next February, but since I'm so close to break (aka no work due), I have been a very lazy bum the last 24 hours. During that time two things keep circling my head, so I suppose sharing them might alleviate the constant 'thought' reel in my brain.
1) Just give him the chance to do something. I mean God that is.
See, this week has been 'bien mieux' than last week. In fact, yesterday, Wednesday, I couldn't stop smiling - I was lighter than air and every one of my french friends noticed. But last week, ugh last week was horrid as my previous blog posts have revealed. Today it occurred to me, that, had I not complained so much, had I not eaten an entire package of oreos, two medium pizzas all by myself, and an entire box of cereal (all within 48 hours), had I not loathed my french existence and glared at the Heavens....had I not done all that, the outcome still would have been the same and maybe I wouldn't have gained some pounds and pushed people away with my grumpy mood. Eleanor Roosevelt said, 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.' I choose to insert mad in the place of inferior because I think it aptly applies. Her quote is about the active passivity that we all are guilty for. For Christians I think we encounter obstacles and we complain that God isn't doing anything helpful. Never, do we really give the Lord a chance to do something though. (Trust me I'm a classic example) A bad day at school (well a couple actually) and I wanted to nab the first plane home. One week, that's all God needed to bring me back to happy. One week. But I didn't give him a chance before deciding He'd already botched the job, I only gave Him one day. I think that it's important, when things are going wrong in such a manner that we can't directly help ourselves and it looks hopeless, that we give the Lord a chance to do something. I'm not saying we should block our feelings about it, but the manner in which we deal with such feelings can be quite telling. So...from me to myself to whoever reads this....just give Him some time yeah?
2) Tears. They affect your whole face; dry salty cheeks, brittle eyelashes, a runny nose, a flushed face, puffy eyes...the after-effects of crying just aren't pretty or pleasant. Usually, we're in privacy when we cry, so all this yuckiness is excused. However, there are the rare cases when the public is privy to our mess. Last Wednesday was one such incident. Appropriately, as I sat in 'Melancolie (19th century Romanticism)' telling my friend about my despair, the tears announced themselves.
( I tend to cry about weird things or maybe those things that seem unjust and awfully bad-timed in my sphere. I've cried about plans being changed abruptly, important thing being lost, writer's block the night before a paper is due, feeling overwhelmed....things like that. Yet my eyes have remained dry in the past during breakups, deaths, accidents, being hit multiple times in cheerleading, spraining and straining my body, and high stress real life-changing moments.)
Thus, I was mortified to be silently shedding tear after tear in class while my french friend rubbed my arm and the Professor continued his discussion on spiritual suffering while gazing intently, if curiously, at me....I was doubly mortified because I didn't feel like I had a good reason for crying in public. I even apologized several times to my friend. As if crying in public is 'interdit' in someway....it's not! That's my second point...why are we so ashamed to cry in front of people? If something affects us, why are we ashamed of our tears? We're not shouting or carrying on or interrupting anyone's lives...little salty, itchy, wet things are running down our face....it's not a crime. This shame we carry confuses me indeed.....
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