A Happy Thanksgiving

If you've been following my blog for the last month or so you may have noticed a decidedly negative tone. Life here hasn't been exactly what I expected.... I already knew about French living, however going to a real French university and having my own apartment were new things for me. Both situations have been getting better little by little, but the process has been excruciatingly slow and filled with multiple pep talks.

 This year is my dream - I've wanted to live in France and go to school here since I was 10. All of my friends have observed my love of Camembert and rose wine. They have sat through tons of anecdotes about "When I studied in Aix-en-Provence..." and "My French family...." I double majored in undergrad in English and French because I loved the history, culture, and literature of this magical place. Yet, despite my 'inner French self', I've been highly disappointed and bewildered at my lack of social/cultural outings and my lack of friends here in Toulouse. Being an extrovert I actually become lethargic and depressed the more time I'm by myself. Conversely, the more I'm around people the more energetic and happier I am. Living alone, completely alone, and having no friends here, combined with tough classes and graduate school worries, has been really hard on my spirit.

However, I think that God has answered the prayers in my heart that I was too sad to say aloud. Yesterday, two girls who are in a couple of my courses randomly came up to me and started speaking to me. Since such situations happen frequently, because I'm the shiny new American student, I figured they'd ask me some questions, say "wow" a few times, and saunter off, proud of themselves for having used their English skills to converse with 'the American'. To my complete delight and surprise they talked with me for quite some time;  one of the girls rode the metro with me, continuing our conversation until my stop separated us. Today in class they saved me a seat and we passed notes back and forth during the dull moments in a mixture of French and English I like to call Franglais.

I'm a bit nervous at this recently development. I have, after all, attempted to make friends here with no luck. One girl and I had Latin together and we chatted for a couple days, but she stopped showing up and, although we have other courses together she does not sit by me in those. Another guy who I also had Latin with used to sit by me and chat a bit until I caught him outside class one day and tried some conversation. After that, he now sits as far across the room as possible, leaving me with an entire row of desks to myself :-(
My third attempt at making a friend was a girl from my 19th and 20th century Lit classes. She sat next to me once, but upon the next class meeting she was back to sitting in her usual spot. We chat sometimes - there may indeed be a friendship there some day, but right now I get the feeling that she pities me more than anything. She's constantly asking if I understand the course and how I'm feeling academically. Today I finally extracted some personal information out of her (she has a boyfriend) and I, in turn, revealed that I have one as well. Perhaps now our conversations can become less focused on my growing fear of French academic failure.

 I've tried befriending English people as well (from Britain) with the same lack of luck. I went to a pub quiz night and had a wonderful time with a mixture of English and French students trying to answer the quiz questions, but those students are leaving in three weeks, and with my GRE's I haven't hung out with them outside of that one encounter, so I suppose that's a dead end. Similarly, I met some kids at the Harry Potter premier who were very kind and witty, but they never asked my name (even though I got theirs), or my number, or my facebook and they ended our convo with "Well, see ya around."

So, although I'm wary that these two new girls will abandon our burgeoning friendship, I'm also really excited at the possibility of retaining some friends finally. People to commiserate with over assignments and to drink coffee with on cold days, a little group to see a movie with or some girls to shop with, someone to check out funky restaurants with; I've missed such interaction.

Today is Thanksgiving in America, and though I imagined I'd miss out entirely on the holiday, I haven't. I get to be thankful today for the continued support and love from friends and family back home, for the opportunity to learn more French and be in this gorgeous, friendly country for the year, for Christmas break in three weeks, for HP 7 (which I saw twice in less than 24 hours), but most of all for the possibility of friends!!! :-)

~Tam in Toulouse